NYR: Be Vod

Just imagine my face where hers is.

Like those children whom when asked “What would you like to be when you grow up?” respond with “A dolphin”*, if posed the same question I would unhesitatingly answer; “Vod.”

For those of your who aren’t familiar with Fresh Meat; 1) what the freakin’ hell have you been doing with your lives and 2) get thee to a viewing station ASAP.

Aside from Peep Show, THE holy grail of televisual comedy (Mark or Jez? Daddy or chips?) Fresh Meat is like, my favourite funny programme EVER and its star Zawe Ashton who plays Vod the GOD(dess) is my latest style icon/character role model.

Being her is essentially my new year’s resolution (‘NYR’ obvs) – which I know I’m a bit late arriving at but it’s fine because I started 2013 again yesterday, having wasted last week squinting at life through the black veil of a hideous hangover. Which proves I am officially too old for sustained fun but on the plus side, means I have inadvertently been doing my resolution without really realising. At least, up until the weekend when I pre-Spring Spring cleaned my entire flat (as in, actually cleaned the oven. I know!?) due to misplaced feelings of guilt. Vod would laugh in the face of one long hangover however, she absolutely would not do housework. #musttryharder.

So going forth, when I find myself caught betwixt the proverbial rock and hard place, or wrestling with a tricksy moral dilemma, I’m going to ask myself “What would Vod do?” If the answer is kick the nearest bystander before defacing a book of stamps, I’ll think again. But if the answer is; apply black lipstick and a matching spiked bicycle helmet, I shall think “OK” and obediently follow suit.

What’s more, not only do I plan to allow Vod into my wardrobe (hello blouson Adam Ant shirt, I’m so happy to finally have an excuse to sport you), I shall also be adopting the following verbal auto-responders (to be turned to in times of extreme crisis):

1/ “It’s not a human head.”

2/ “You need to go ’round to his house and bash him in the bollocks with a brick.”

3/ “Well. Maybe you should put your c*ck away, while I make us a nice cup of tea?”

4/ “It’s safer to keep going. That’s just science.”

Et voila. “Now lead me to the f*cking pub.”

*rumour has it, such children exist.




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